I then succumbed to my compulsion to rank everything. This is not intended to be a comprehensive list. I am still of the opinion that the best pet is no pet at all.
Cats - possibly acceptable if you're a 20-something woman without roommates and a job that allows you to be home on a predictable schedule (i.e. not a good one). I know the LGBTQ community has taken a shine to cats, but felines are often standoffish and passive. If separated from their mother too early, they become reclusive and feral for life, spending most of their time hiding under furniture. Still, whenever I see a cat owner, I immediately typecast them as a 20-something female, living alone and dateless, normally because of severe personality defects. Secretly, or not-so secretly, she watches Sex and the City and wishes she could be one of the washed up sluts depicted on the show. As a side note to the makers of SATC, thank you for turning every single one of your viewers into a whore for anyone with EBITDA >$90,000 (COLA).
Dogs - loyal, but often dumb. If you have a relatively demanding job, there's a certain amount of pleasure in coming home to something full of energy and eager to see you. There's also a certain amount of acute displeasure in realizing it has fouled your carpet or gnawed your furniture down to the stuffing. There's also a size issue. Smaller dogs more suitable to apartments and condos are more intelligent, more energetic, and more predisposed to eating your property. They also have painfully awkward names. Would you want to use your puppy to lure a member of the opposite sex into talking to you, only to say it's a "cocker spaniel"? Dogs less prone to destruction tend to be larger, often weighing in excess of 100 lbs. at maturity. This may make them too big for spaces smaller than 3,000 square feet.
Fish - why? They're soothing to look at, but more work that one would expect. Between vacuuming rocks, installing and changing various filters, monitoring pH levels and maintaining a temperature, you may as well buy a pool, or have your bathroom renovated to accommodate a hot tub. Some fish look impressive, though, all while being inexpensive and low maintenance. Any kind of tetra--neon or tropical--falls into this category. Still, the capital requirements and relative knowledge needed to begin an aquarium (Glass or acrylic tank? How many gallons? Under-gravel or remote filtration? Natural or painted gravel? Real or fake plants?) may be a barrier to entry.
Rodents - this broad category represents gerbils, hamsters, rats, mice, and ferrets, things too alike to really separate out. I've had the most experience with ferrets, which can be fun, but will get into anything. They're best when you're watching them for someone else, especially because of their unusual diet needs. Gerbils and hamsters are indistinguishable to me, and basically more playful mice. Mice and rats are not pets and should never be owned. Rats gave Europe the plague, and should never be welcomed into the home. You're a person, dammit, not the Rat King character from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.
Reptiles/Lizards - animals of choice for the savvy ex-convict. Owning anything in this category as a pet--snakes, geckos, gila monsters, chameleons--indicates the same class and grace of someone who would have a tribal armband tattoo (or spider webs on their elbows, which is another level altogether). These are creatures owned by people who aspire to be law enforcement agents because their fathers used to "whoop" them. Avoid.
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